Flaring Through Life

Most know me as the girl in the first picture. Medical professionals and those closest to me, know me as the girl in the second picture too. There are two people that take up residency within me. One I love, the other I loathe, but for the last 18+ years I’ve shared my days and nights with them both.

That’s the thing with living with chronic health conditions, you get two versions of you. One is very much welcome, the other is an uninvited guest. Unfortunately most days, they visit together or the unwelcome one comes alone, but in the rare moments, the version you love makes herself at home for a little while.

The girl in the first picture isn’t well. She’s fatigued and in pain but you wouldn’t know. She smiles, she laughs, she pushes through and doesn’t complain. She tries to make the most of these days because she doesn’t know how long it’ll be before the other person comes to visit, so she’s also quietly cautious, always thinking ahead, always waiting.

Then in SHE comes. The girl in the second picture. What did I do wrong this time? Did I get ill? Stress too much? Did I over do it? Maybe it’s the weather, lack of sleep, my hormones? It really doesn’t matter, she’s here, living rent free in my body, bringing extreme fatigue, excruciating pain and lots of other symptoms in her oversized luggage! The worst part? I have no idea how long she’ll stay! So, I’m trapped. In the same four walls, with endless medication and the inability to walk without aids or take care of myself. Then comes the tears and the frustration, the begging and the shouts for it to end.

Her visits can take days, weeks, months, years, but then all of a sudden, the world goes quiet. She’s gone but I still feel her presence even though I’m back to the girl in the first picture. On goes my smile, my act of being normal, my quiet suffering, and this is my life. A never-ending cycle of the two of us.